Folks, we're knee-deep into December and holiday cheer is at an all-time high. Hanukkah gifts have all been opened, the Kwanzaa candles are ready and waiting to be lit, and, despite the best efforts of the Grinch, Starbucks and Barack Obama, the war on Christmas has failed.
While a lot of people are doing last-minute shopping and wrapping up their store-bought offerings of love, those of us who honor the realest, most honest of all holidays are readying for the greatest celebration of them all: Festivus (it's for the rest of us).
The aluminum pole has been raised, the kitchen smells of homemade meatloaf atop a bed of lettuce and everyone is stretching out in the living room in preparation for the feats of strength. But before the feasting and fighting comes the most important part of Festivus: the airing of grievances.
A lot of people and things in the sports world have disappointed me over the past year. I've got a lot of problems with them and they're gonna hear about it!
Here we go ...
People who yell "Get on your feet!" at sporting events
Hey bubba, maybe I'm not that pumped about a gain of 4 yards six minutes into the first quarter. I'll stand up when I damn well please.
People who yell "Sit down!" at sporting events
If you wanna sit on your tuchus and stay quiet all game, that's your hundred bucks down the crapper. I paid to get into this game and I'm gonna make this home-field advantage thing count.
The Cleveland Browns
What. Is. The. Deal. With. Cleveland? Since 1999 the Browns have had 24 starting quarterbacks, three owners, seven general managers, eight head coaches and 11 offensive coordinators. They currently owe $49 million dollars to head coaches they've fired. Are they even trying?
Misspelled fan signs
Hey, geniuses, might wanna run that through spell-check before committing it to print.
Andrew Luck's beard
I'll miss the Andrew Luck Civil War meme and its accompanying faux letters from General Luck to "dearest Abigail," but it's more than worth it to be done with that face ferret. Shave it off, Andrew. Shave it all off.
I haven't been this confused since I tried to read the Wikipedia page for string theory.
Manspreaders
C'mon, dude. You could be the next coming of Dirk Diggler and you still wouldn't need those two full seats.
People who wear sweatpants to sporting events
Training pants? Fine. Active wear? Sure. Zubas? Absofrickin'lutely. I'll even accept tearaway pants. But good ol' fashioned gray drawstring sweatpants with elastic ankles? Those are just for your house. When you're alone. With your cats.
The fact that these signs are for sale ...
... and are 100 percent necessary.
People who read only headlines
It's quite clear from your impassioned, angry and completely irrelevant comment that you read the headline only and none of the actual article. As this sentence goes on, more people like you will stop reading and click away, but that won't stop them from commenting, or even sharing the story so others can see their brilliantly fatuous remarks. Whatever happened to focus? Is it really so hard to -- ah, screw it, it's a Festivus miracle you made it this far.
Rajon Rondo
No one believes you. Evolve.
Conspiracy theorists
Yeah, you're right. The NBA draft is rigged. Michael Jordan was hungover, not sick with the flu. Curt Schilling's sock was full of ketchup. And, most importantly, the NFL definitely has it out for the Patriots.
These Wizards "Baltimore Pride" jerseys
Can we expand the whole "What are those?" thing the kids are saying to uniforms, too? 'Cause WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE?
The Wizards new Baltimore pride alternate jerseys pic.twitter.com/mgKCUfJHgA
— The double double (@saucesportsnba) October 1, 2015People who talk during moments of silence
The mere fact that you want to talk during a moment of silence proves that whatever comes out of your mouth will be as compelling as the murmurings of a drunk llama who wandered into a cardboard box and can't find his way out.
Abusive college football coaches
The multimillion-dollar salary, dealer-donated luxury car, booster-funded mansion and other perks of being a college football coach aren't enough? You also have to berate and embarrass the young men providing the free labor that affords you that lifestyle? Get some self-control.
I find your belief system fascinating.
Hoverboards
The next time I see one of these things actually hover will be the first time. Not only are they just Segways with no handlebars, turns out they're more dangerous than Pretty Penny Ear Piercing Set or Bag O' Glass. Get my ankles blown off by an electric skateboard? No thanks, I'll walk.
NFL-themed shoe wine holders
This is an absolutely terrible gift. No one in your life wants this. Not your mother, not your sister, not your co-worker, not your postal delivery person, not even your favorite shoe salesman.
You're better off sending your 20 bucks to The Human Fund.
People who believe in no-hitter jinxes
THE PLAYERS AREN'T READING MY TWITTER FEED RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE ON THE DAMN BALL FIELD.
"Broken vagina" memes
"Hahaha Tony Romo broke his vagina, get it? 'Cause he's a girl and girls are stupid and vaginas are weak." Au contraire, friend. Let's let comedian Sheng Wang handle this one.