I have an announcement: I've decided to take my talents to Knoxville.
You might say, "Jane! You're a 45-year-old woman with a fading fadeaway, a slowing first step! You have kids and a job! Why would you leave all that behind to play for the University of Tennessee?"
While that's true, I still have four years of unused NCAA eligibility. And after this week's news conference by all 16 Tennessee head coaches (including five women), I'm convinced: Playing for the Vols is too good an opportunity to pass up. In an unprecedented group interview with the media, the coaches wove an hour-long love letter to the university, offsetting any bad publicity with a positive attitude.
"But Jane, a lawsuit has been filed against Tennessee, claiming the school violated Title IX regulations, and more than few of its athletes are facing sexual assault allegations."
But the coaches on stage attested to how special the school was! The kids have high GPAs! The coaches all really, really like each other!
"Jane! A high GPA is no insulation when it comes to claims of sexual assault. One person's great campus experience doesn't mean another person hasn't been allegedly assaulted in the trainer's room."
Sure, but are you listening to what the coaches are saying? Softball coach Karen Weekly gushed that football coach Butch Jones lets her use half of the indoor practice facility in the spring, when her sport is in season and his isn't. She said that this is very unusual because most softball teams at other schools don't even get to use football facilities at all. I mean, forget that football isn't even playing meaningful games right now -- no need to question a system that values offseason football above all else. Let's all raise those half-full glasses and toast Coach Jones' generosity.
"I can tell you," Weekly said, "we're in the best position we've ever been right now at the University of Tennessee as coaches and as student-athletes. We've had better resources, better facilities, than we've ever had. Our student-athletes, our female student-athletes have greater access to those resources than they've ever had. And as a coaches group we're closer than we've ever been."
And since this story about Jones came out a day after the news conference, he didn't have to address allegations that he called wide receiver Drae Bowles a "traitor" for coming to the aid of a hyperventilating woman who said she'd been attacked by two football players. So that wasn't part of the discussion and thank goodness because where is all the water in this glass going?
And you would whisper -- because you're really crushing the positive vibe here -- "Jane, no one was allowed to discuss the allegations of sexual assault, harassment and diminished opportunities for women at the school."
Well, that's completely understandable, even though it was the only precipitating factor that got all the joint chiefs of staff onto the stage. And they had to address what's making recruiting so tough. So instead of directly confronting what's prompting the notions of an unsafe culture, the coaches talked about how they discuss sexual assault with their athletes.
"We talk a lot about, just as you would your daughter, don't go out alone at night, know where you are going to parties, those types of things," said women's basketball coach Holly Warlick.
This reminds me of the time my young daughter heard that slogan, "Only you can prevent forest fires." And she became really concerned -- because there are a lot of forest fires, and there are only so many places a 7-year-old can be at any given time, what with school and sports and playing the viola. So there are going to be forest fires that she could prevent, she reasoned, that she just wouldn't have time to get to. That's a lot of responsibility for a kid.
"Jane, what has that got to do with anything?"
Well, when it comes to rape and sexual assault, charging potential victims with the task of preventing crime makes even less sense. Because the people who can really deter assault are the ones committing the assault, and that should probably be the focus of prevention efforts -- instead of telling women to walk in packs, take purity vows and wear mom-jeans with turtlenecks.
But I digress. At about the 30-minute mark of this amazing news conference, I signed my letter of intent.
Because I figured, if 16 coaches can laser-focus on only the positive things about a school, that's a valuable skill. Because circling the wagons, closing ranks and sticking rigorously to a happy narrative is the kind of culture that wouldn't possibly try to silence someone with an allegedly inconvenient story to tell.
Other things on my mind this week:
Waiting for the next shoe to drop in a few outstanding situations: Johnny Manziel in the NFL and Aroldis Chapman and Jose Reyes in baseball. A decision on whether or not to charge Manziel, and whether or not to discipline in baseball, could come any day.
Lastly, the NFL Players Association went all Rihanna when it found the league had $100 million in revenue that was meant for player salaries. An arbiter found that the NFL, indeed, better have the NFLPA's money.